Thoughts on his suicide – part 4 -a slow start to accepting

Death devours all lovely things.

And yet, some thoughts in your head made you not fight.

Made you instead leap into the arms of the beast willingly,

as though it was all right.

And no matter how long or loud I call your name,

you will never turn back,

you will never answer me.

And no matter how hard I think about it,

I can never understand a choice to live and then not be.

Who will ever take you place in this world?

To not back down, when I know you are wrong?

To torment us with what you did and said?

To be so arrogant and proud?

To welcome strangers into your bed?

No man can be all good, and that I know well.

And yet how I loved you in all the ways I never did, but wish now that I could, tell.

But the song has already been sung,

and all the words have already been spoken,

and all that needed doing is done,

and my heart will always be broken.

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5 thoughts on “Thoughts on his suicide – part 4 -a slow start to accepting

  1. Beautiful….the wind still has a way of listening to the words that are so full they empty out; its never to late to be just in time for someone else. I won’t ever believe in a heart breaking forever because Life has love and peace built in its essence. Closing the book is a choice of someone not in the right state of mind to choose. Hold onto the lost but find a way to live for two!!!!!

    • Thank you for your words! Very eloquently put and true. There are a lot of things that are hard to express, and it seems I can’t quite get it right. I try to find a balance between holding on to memories and not being overcome or obsessed by things that can’t be changed. I think that in the book of my life, his chapter will be dog-eared and read again and again… I hope that I can find the way to live for the both of us…it’s a work in progress.

      • If your trying to balance, that would be the start of you tipping back and forth. You have to find a way to adapted a belief system about the event and live absolutely in that. The memories are going to be there, the thought and emotions are going to arise, but its what you do with everything that will give you your life back. Suffer and struggle should be used to describe a time period….not used to describe us over time. I know you want answers to your why’s but at this point you have to cope with that; that is was done, that you will miss him, that your sad, anger, confused; but its time that you will start understanding why you was left behind, that his tragedy doesn’t have to be your end, that you have a hole in your heart that can be filled with living. Breath in; yours still alive. Use this air to start fresh. forgive him and regain yourself. Don’t allow yourself to die with him. I am here anything you want to talk, laugh, and love but I won’t allow you to feel sorry for yourself; no more apologizes for being still alive!!!!

      • Thank you for taking the time to write this! It was a very compassionate thing to do and I appreciate it so much. You hit the nail on the head when you said that I want answers to the why’s and at this point I just have to cope with it. Part of coping, for me, has been writing some of the things you’ve read on my blog. I have a really hard time expressing my feelings out loud, and so they just wriggle around in my head and make me feel crazy. But I have started to feel better since I’ve gotten them on paper (and online now too)…it’s like my brain finally has space to breath in (like you were saying)! And it has been a real comfort to me that people (wonderful, awesome, amazing people like you!) have taken the time to say that they can understand where I am coming from, or that at least they hear what I am saying. I don’t have that type of understanding, empathetic company in my day to day life…I have been pleasantly surprised to find it online! So thank you again, you really have made me feel cared for!

  2. Thank me by living again….We are strangers so your situation in new to us but to the people around you it may be like a weight on their backs. Anyone who loves you wants to see you happy and when they feel crippled in that department, they tend to push you away. When you’re go through things everybody that loves you goes through it. You have to allow them in!!!! It’s nice that you have opened up to strangers and I appreciate you being vulnerable but My goal is to see you writing and truly connecting with others again. I read people well but it doesn’t service its purpose if people dont act on what I express to them. Its been a pleasure running into you and I don’t plan on going away as long as you promise that you will improve your state of being daily; that you will live the quote “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. I have faith in you but that all dies when you lose faith in yourself. Let’s continue to read and comment on each others pieces and we will get pass this time together. Remember the best thanks is acting!!!!

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