I can see the end is coming.
Somehow or another, it’s on its way.
But I hate confrontation.
The time for it never seems to be just right.
And there will be bitter words said and
looks that scream I never loved you,
which will be hurtful and untrue.
And you will throw abuses my way like I hadn’t tried,
for years and years,
to be the person you desired that I be.
Like I hadn’t tried to love you with all my tiny heart.
I have tried, clawing with desperate fingers,
to lower my voice and not embarrass you,
To lower myself, and never ask for what I needed.
And we will both know it’s my fault.
And I fear that you will think you are not a good man.
When you are.
Stable and better than most, as far as I can tell.
But I don’t want a good man.
Not because of who you are, but because of myself.
We are not compatible, you and I.
We were so young, and we have grown together,
rooted to the ground and intertwined.
But I am blighted somehow.
I do not enjoy this parasitic state anymore,
And you have no desire to change and never will.
I desire no more than to have my ties ripped from the ground.
To be free from this.
I am afraid that you will find out who I am.
The shock could kill you.
And I hate the dreaded anger and the betrayal and the disappointment
that I know will come.
I don’t want this to define us.
There was love once.
There is love still,
but not enough to keep us alive.
You need me, more than I need you.
And that is not fair.
I hope that one day you will find a girl who only has eyes for you,
not like me, and that when you do you will allow yourself to care again…
That I will not have deformed you completely.
Because you deserve love.
I hope that one day, I will find out how much you did for me.
That I will be wise enough to regret my choice.
That I will learn something at least.
Because now, in this place, at this time,
I fear no evil.
I fear the numbness that has enshrouded my life.
Good or bad, I need to feel again.
I would hope to feel butterflies.
I would settle for snake bites.