Picking my poison

There won’t be any poems tonight…just a rant…just to warn you.

 It was a long day at my job, and I am so tired.  My usual day to day work is all computer related, but they are having inventory this weekend, and today I was on my feet counting and lifting and counting…it was a brain drain.  And instead of eight normal people hours, I got to work twelve…I feel super puny right now.

Added to the long work day, I have been dealing with a big decision lately, one that has a lot of stress to go along with it.

I am not usually one to get stressed out.  I can handle a great deal of things and not freak out, but that being said, when I do get stressed, I DO NOT handle it well.  I love me some food, but when I get upset, even the thought of it makes me nauseous.  And all I want to do is sleep…sleep, and punch unsuspecting people in the face.  And that’s no good at all.

The stupid thing is, for my big decision, I know what I want to do.  It’s the doing it that’s hard.  Because there will be emotional confrontation.  I hate confrontation…I suck at it.  I have the annoying habit of people pleasing.  They must all like me!!!  And that’s just crazy.  When you people please, you know who never ends up pleased?  YOU.  And that blows chunks.  But I do it, I always have.

I grew up in a house with a meek mother and a father who was not a very nice person.  There was a lot of walking on eggshells.  Confrontation means yelling, yelling means I am getting hit.  My father left when I was 16, and I am now going on 29.  I haven’t been hit since my father left, but in my head, yelling will always mean violence.

And then emotion…ugh.  I can write it all day long, but to speak it out loud…that’s a whole different kettle of fish.  Emotion gets you punished.  I never cry.  Well, that’s not true.  I have cried a lot.  Usually in my house, locked in the bathroom with the shower running, just in case…but not in front of people, not since I was very small.  If you cry in front of someone, they will know your weakness, and weaknesses will be exploited.  The same is true if you have strong opinions…in my house, conviction meant that you would be beaten into submission.  Great lesson from my childhood, and I am a quick study.

And so here I am, almost 30 years old, afraid of disagreements, afraid of emotion, and afraid of standing up for anything.  And that is ridiculous.  I can’t live like that.  I don’t want to live like that.

Like I said, my father left when I was 16, and a few years ago he died.  And until the day he died, I was always afraid he would show up at my house.  I don’t know why.  My uncles had a funeral service for him, and I went.  They had pictures of him, much more recent than when I had seen him last. And you know what?  He was a frail old man…if he would have shown up at my house, physically, I could have kicked his old man ass.  He couldn’t have hurt me anymore…in the end, I guess he couldn’t even get out of his bed.

My mom once told me that my father’s biggest fear was being alone.  And when he died, he had no one.  No one believed his lies anymore.  No one could be bullied into submission anymore.  And the sickest part of it all, the part that makes me pity him now (it’s taken a long time to get to that point) was that it could have been different for him.  He had a wife and children who wanted to love him and he pushed it all away.  He wasted his life, and ruined a big part of my life and that of my brothers and sisters.  To this day, things that blasted old fart did have an affect on my life.

I don’t want to waste my life because I am afraid to stand up for it anymore.  I’m just scared.  What if I make the wrong choice?  What if I am being a fool?  What if the one time I get to be selfish ends up being the biggest mistake of my life?

I read somewhere: “I’d rather have a life of ‘oh wells’ than a life of ‘what ifs’.  But how sound is that logic?  Leap before you look?

The thing is this:  I don’t want my fear to stop me from living life how I choose, because after all, we just get one go round and we have to make it count.  But what if I choose wrong?  What if I hurt people who care about me, just because I desire something different and in the end don’t get what I really want from it anyway?

Do you live your life pleasing other people?  Do you do what you want and tell the rest of the world to go fuck itself?  Because at this point, I feel like those are my only options, there is no happy medium in this situation.  There is only the same as it’s always been or doing something I’ve never done…  I guess I am just having trouble picking my poison.

8 thoughts on “Picking my poison

  1. Listen….your past may be the start of you holding back but you are grown now. You are responsible for how your life progresses or stands still. Your lack of belief in your ideas is what is holding you back. The fact that you believe what you may put out their may be flawed, has prevented you from putting things out. Who to say that I should have a voice and you shouldn’t keep biting your tongue and you won’t have a tongue to speak with when it’s time to speak. The fact is you “people please” because you truly believe it is one day going to please you….how is that going for you???? In life we should always force people to correct us when we are wrong and learn from us when we are right; and the only way to do that is to speak our minds and have a true relationship with the people around us. Remember the worst people on earth are warm because they are too hot to enjoy drinking and too cold to cook with!!!!

    • The people pleasing is going pretty badly…I know… It’s a scary thing to put your true self out there! I have practiced hiding for a long time. But I am not willing to do it anymore. I don’t want to be too hot or too cold, I want to be just right! Thanks for always giving me something to think about!

  2. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I was the same way. This is what I learned in my 43 years of life:
    People can completely recover from being hurt or disappointed.
    Failing is part of growing. When you tried to walk as a baby, you fell. It didn’t kill you.
    Make a list of assets, back-up plans and worse case scenarios and analyze the leap you want to make.
    Tell yourself everyday, my father is dead. I am alive. I must come first.

    • Thanks my sweet Coco! (Not coconut, Coco, like chocolate…which I love…almost as much as you!) It’s scary for me to put myself first. I haven’t really done it before. I have always made other people my priority…I know where that gets me. Thinking of myself and what I want is something that truly frightens me. But if I keep giving and giving, without anybody giving back, I’m going to be empty soon! And I don’t want that to happen!
      I am going to do like you said and make a list of assets and plans and worse cases and see where I come to. I have already been thinking about a lot of the pros and cons and squirreling away a little money here and there just in case.
      My father is dead. I am alive. I must come first. That’s my new mantra!

    • Good! Now you have another one to add to that list! Thanks again for the nice things you say. Lately I don’t feel like much of a sweetheart, but it’s nice to hear someone say it. I am trying to get to the point where I feel like I deserve the good stuff in life, or at least deserve to try and do things the way I choose. It’s hard, but I am slowly getting there. I’m getting by with a little help from my (new) friends!

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